Eatinng. Food. Struggles.

I've noticed lately that the more and more I go to eat, I think about what I'm eating before I eat it. I generally will eat junk if I want to. I don't really pay attention to what I eat as far as what it's doing to my body but I do think about the health factors based on the item. I've lost 20 lbs or so due to a medical issue and now every time I step on the scale I think about how maybe if I was still sick and still throwing up all my food I could go down 20 more pounds or even 30. It's not healthy. I've had thoughts more than once about just not eating so I can lose weight or vice versa. I know the risks of all that junk because I used to always think how stupid the people doing that very thing were and then I considered it and I realized just how easy it is to get to that point.

Demi Lovato got to that point. It so easy to get to where she was at one point. Some days I find myself avoiding food till 1 or 2 pm or even till dinner time. On those days Im not really sure if it's because of when I was sick and everything I ate made me throw up and I am scared or if it's because I just want to lose weight. Today it's already 1 30 and I haven't had anything. Society makes you think thin is pretty and thin is what gets you liked. I've never really listened to society or felt the way I feel about myself because of it necessarily but I know so many others do. I think I think that way based on my own thoughts and opinions of myself more than others.

I think the one thing that makes me less likely to take those measures to lose weight is my girlfriend. When I explained everything that went one while I was sick, her "you are basically like a bulimic" comment got to me.  My appetite got down so low at one point that I could barely eat a slice of pizza without being full or throwing up. I lived on crackers. That's healthy. Somewhere inside of me I kind of wish I was still in that time losing weight but then I think about her comment and her constantly making sure I ate for awhile and I realize how foolish it all was.

I remember at one point she told me, "I think you are fine just the way you are, besides I like bigger girls". She then proceeded to say that we could work out together and lose weight together and whether she knows it or not she had a huge affect on me. I was at a crossroad where I wasn't sure which path to go on and she pointed me into the right direction.

It's a constant struggle. I think that at one point I could go too far but knowing what too far can equal keeps me on the right side of the tracks fighting against it longer.

In fact if you look up the signs of bulimia I fit almost all of them. It's a scary thought knowing I do but it almost feels thrilling at the same time too. That's not a healthy thought and it kind of makes me sick knowing that I think or feel that way but I do. I've been up since 9 and food has been on my mind but I've just been ignoring it. I'v been pushing it to the back of my mind and replacing it with things that can keep me occupied away from it. I'm not sure at what point my mind and body will really connect with what exactly is going on and what Im doing but maybe it will. I don't consider myself bulimic in anyway and I just want to make myself clear on that. I don't consider myself anything I'm just simply stating that what I went through while I was sick for those months and what I'm still struggling with have me close to classified as that.

She's like a hand that fits perfectly into mine. I call her my home. She's become one of the most important people in my life and I don't know I'd go without her. I've spent the last week halfway miserable because I felt like We were both being so distant with each other. I don't think I really took the time to step back and take a look at things and see that maybe we weren't being distant but maybe we were just both over the whole in one anothers face with love phase and more into focusing on the future. I think we both want a future that is together and I didn't take the time to remember that while I was miserable. This whole week I felt like I was losing the best thing that's ever happened to me. I felt like the one thing that was going right was going all wrong. I underestimate things way too much and never find the good either.

Here it is Friday and we talked for literally like a total of probably 30 minutes and it's already brought everything I loved in her right back to me. It's made me realize I shouldn't doubt everything because in the end it will all be okay we will be okay.

From like 2 weeks ago but it still makes me smile. 

I love her a little more each day.

I dont know if she knew I needed it or not but calling me this morning made going through this day a lot easier. She made me want to. I love it when she's in a good mood and I'm not because some of her good mood tends to spill onto me and all I do is laugh and feel content.

I don't think anyone can comprehend how she makes me feel. Even on days when I feel like I'm not goo enough I don't deserve her she manages to make me understand that she feels the same about me.

It's been almost 3 months and Im already scared to be without her.

I can't even explain it....

We had already said goodnight and I could have been sleeping but she calls me anyway. She didn't want anything but to say she woke up to use the bathroom and to say I love you. She makes me complete. She makes me so unbelievably happy.

Collection of things I loved about her enough to capture.

I look at those things when I can't sleep at night, when I'm feeling down, or when I miss her. Those things get me through the day. The middle is how many miles/hours it is to her. Keeping that in mind the fact that I will soon see her is exactly what makes life worth living. The little moments where she tells me to hush when I say I am not cute to the moments where she wants me to stay on the phone with her while she sleeps. I live for these moments. It may be 6 hours and 12 minutes. 364 miles but it's nothing for her. It's nothing compared to what it will feel like to be by her side.

I live for her these days. I'm becoming a better person because of her and nothing seems worth it anymore unless she's in my life. I never dreamed of being so happy. I prayed all day today just to keep her with me till the end of time.

To know what love is.

It's so weird to finally know what love is. To actually feel my heart skip a beat or to actually feel like I am suffocating. I mean the suffocating part in a good way. 

It's nice to be with someone who feels how I feel wants the same things and loves me even when I'm moody or acting stupid. I'm constantly thinking about the future. I'm constantly waiting for our future. I think I became the happiest I've been my whole life the moment I started dating her and it only gets better every day. She's the reason I wake up in the mornings. 

I'm finally learning what love really is and it's not easy sometimes for me but it's worth it. I'm learning how to fight for something I want for the first time in my life. I may get scared that I will lose her sometimes but I'm still learning. I'm still trying to take a back seat and let love run it's course. It's not easy to be open when you generally are closed but I'm getting to it. In order to love you have to grow up. You have to go through the worst to get to the good.  "You gotta hurt in order to know. Fall in order to grow. Lose in order to gain. Because most of life's lessons are learned in pain."

Throughout this entire journey I have been on with her I've realized that god had the right idea for me all along. God knew what he was doing when he brought her in. It makes me want to cry when I think about where I would be right now if she hadn't came in. God knew I needed saving and I feel like I could never ever be thankful enough for what I ended up with which was the love of a lifetime. 

I think in order to truly love and be yourself you have to find what makes you...you. You have to be you in order to love someone else. IF you aren't you how can you expect someone to love you. To love you for who you are.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

I think I've found myself and love all at once. I'm one lucky girl to have her and I don't want to ever take her for granted.

15 days till I see her. 18 days till 3 months!!

2 Month Anniversary!!

She's the girl that makes my heart skip a beat. She makes it nearly impossible to breathe. Sometimes I feel like all the walls are caving in yet I'm smiling. I never thought I'd be in love after how badly things were for me a year or two ago. I never thought I'd find someone who makes me so happy I cry. I love her so much that I feel like I'd die without her. I can say that and mean it with everything I have.

Before I was so obsessed with love and finding the right person and she came at the wrong time and literally saved me from myself. Through everything I've been put through the last month she's the only thing that I've been certain about. We've gotten through all the challenges together. We've become stronger at times when I felt like we were falling apart. I know I still doubt things from time to time but it's her who makes them go away and puts a smile back on my face.

She has the ability to make me happy and calm me down in the hardest and saddest moments. She puts up with me when I'm pmsing and being a bitch. She lets me know when I'm annoying her and tells me the smallest things. She's my best friend and my girlfriend all in one.

She's the first person I feel like I can actually trust. It's scary and amazing all at once. I feel like I met the perfect person. I feel like she's my forever.

Today is 2 months not counting anything before and I all I want to do is shout to the world how she makes me feel inside. She makes me feel beautiful, strong, funny, and happy. She's my everything.