Eatinng. Food. Struggles.

I've noticed lately that the more and more I go to eat, I think about what I'm eating before I eat it. I generally will eat junk if I want to. I don't really pay attention to what I eat as far as what it's doing to my body but I do think about the health factors based on the item. I've lost 20 lbs or so due to a medical issue and now every time I step on the scale I think about how maybe if I was still sick and still throwing up all my food I could go down 20 more pounds or even 30. It's not healthy. I've had thoughts more than once about just not eating so I can lose weight or vice versa. I know the risks of all that junk because I used to always think how stupid the people doing that very thing were and then I considered it and I realized just how easy it is to get to that point.

Demi Lovato got to that point. It so easy to get to where she was at one point. Some days I find myself avoiding food till 1 or 2 pm or even till dinner time. On those days Im not really sure if it's because of when I was sick and everything I ate made me throw up and I am scared or if it's because I just want to lose weight. Today it's already 1 30 and I haven't had anything. Society makes you think thin is pretty and thin is what gets you liked. I've never really listened to society or felt the way I feel about myself because of it necessarily but I know so many others do. I think I think that way based on my own thoughts and opinions of myself more than others.

I think the one thing that makes me less likely to take those measures to lose weight is my girlfriend. When I explained everything that went one while I was sick, her "you are basically like a bulimic" comment got to me.  My appetite got down so low at one point that I could barely eat a slice of pizza without being full or throwing up. I lived on crackers. That's healthy. Somewhere inside of me I kind of wish I was still in that time losing weight but then I think about her comment and her constantly making sure I ate for awhile and I realize how foolish it all was.

I remember at one point she told me, "I think you are fine just the way you are, besides I like bigger girls". She then proceeded to say that we could work out together and lose weight together and whether she knows it or not she had a huge affect on me. I was at a crossroad where I wasn't sure which path to go on and she pointed me into the right direction.

It's a constant struggle. I think that at one point I could go too far but knowing what too far can equal keeps me on the right side of the tracks fighting against it longer.

In fact if you look up the signs of bulimia I fit almost all of them. It's a scary thought knowing I do but it almost feels thrilling at the same time too. That's not a healthy thought and it kind of makes me sick knowing that I think or feel that way but I do. I've been up since 9 and food has been on my mind but I've just been ignoring it. I'v been pushing it to the back of my mind and replacing it with things that can keep me occupied away from it. I'm not sure at what point my mind and body will really connect with what exactly is going on and what Im doing but maybe it will. I don't consider myself bulimic in anyway and I just want to make myself clear on that. I don't consider myself anything I'm just simply stating that what I went through while I was sick for those months and what I'm still struggling with have me close to classified as that.

She's like a hand that fits perfectly into mine. I call her my home. She's become one of the most important people in my life and I don't know I'd go without her. I've spent the last week halfway miserable because I felt like We were both being so distant with each other. I don't think I really took the time to step back and take a look at things and see that maybe we weren't being distant but maybe we were just both over the whole in one anothers face with love phase and more into focusing on the future. I think we both want a future that is together and I didn't take the time to remember that while I was miserable. This whole week I felt like I was losing the best thing that's ever happened to me. I felt like the one thing that was going right was going all wrong. I underestimate things way too much and never find the good either.

Here it is Friday and we talked for literally like a total of probably 30 minutes and it's already brought everything I loved in her right back to me. It's made me realize I shouldn't doubt everything because in the end it will all be okay we will be okay.

From like 2 weeks ago but it still makes me smile. 

I love her a little more each day.

I dont know if she knew I needed it or not but calling me this morning made going through this day a lot easier. She made me want to. I love it when she's in a good mood and I'm not because some of her good mood tends to spill onto me and all I do is laugh and feel content.

I don't think anyone can comprehend how she makes me feel. Even on days when I feel like I'm not goo enough I don't deserve her she manages to make me understand that she feels the same about me.

It's been almost 3 months and Im already scared to be without her.

I can't even explain it....

We had already said goodnight and I could have been sleeping but she calls me anyway. She didn't want anything but to say she woke up to use the bathroom and to say I love you. She makes me complete. She makes me so unbelievably happy.

Collection of things I loved about her enough to capture.

I look at those things when I can't sleep at night, when I'm feeling down, or when I miss her. Those things get me through the day. The middle is how many miles/hours it is to her. Keeping that in mind the fact that I will soon see her is exactly what makes life worth living. The little moments where she tells me to hush when I say I am not cute to the moments where she wants me to stay on the phone with her while she sleeps. I live for these moments. It may be 6 hours and 12 minutes. 364 miles but it's nothing for her. It's nothing compared to what it will feel like to be by her side.

I live for her these days. I'm becoming a better person because of her and nothing seems worth it anymore unless she's in my life. I never dreamed of being so happy. I prayed all day today just to keep her with me till the end of time.

To know what love is.

It's so weird to finally know what love is. To actually feel my heart skip a beat or to actually feel like I am suffocating. I mean the suffocating part in a good way. 

It's nice to be with someone who feels how I feel wants the same things and loves me even when I'm moody or acting stupid. I'm constantly thinking about the future. I'm constantly waiting for our future. I think I became the happiest I've been my whole life the moment I started dating her and it only gets better every day. She's the reason I wake up in the mornings. 

I'm finally learning what love really is and it's not easy sometimes for me but it's worth it. I'm learning how to fight for something I want for the first time in my life. I may get scared that I will lose her sometimes but I'm still learning. I'm still trying to take a back seat and let love run it's course. It's not easy to be open when you generally are closed but I'm getting to it. In order to love you have to grow up. You have to go through the worst to get to the good.  "You gotta hurt in order to know. Fall in order to grow. Lose in order to gain. Because most of life's lessons are learned in pain."

Throughout this entire journey I have been on with her I've realized that god had the right idea for me all along. God knew what he was doing when he brought her in. It makes me want to cry when I think about where I would be right now if she hadn't came in. God knew I needed saving and I feel like I could never ever be thankful enough for what I ended up with which was the love of a lifetime. 

I think in order to truly love and be yourself you have to find what makes you...you. You have to be you in order to love someone else. IF you aren't you how can you expect someone to love you. To love you for who you are.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

I think I've found myself and love all at once. I'm one lucky girl to have her and I don't want to ever take her for granted.

15 days till I see her. 18 days till 3 months!!

2 Month Anniversary!!

She's the girl that makes my heart skip a beat. She makes it nearly impossible to breathe. Sometimes I feel like all the walls are caving in yet I'm smiling. I never thought I'd be in love after how badly things were for me a year or two ago. I never thought I'd find someone who makes me so happy I cry. I love her so much that I feel like I'd die without her. I can say that and mean it with everything I have.

Before I was so obsessed with love and finding the right person and she came at the wrong time and literally saved me from myself. Through everything I've been put through the last month she's the only thing that I've been certain about. We've gotten through all the challenges together. We've become stronger at times when I felt like we were falling apart. I know I still doubt things from time to time but it's her who makes them go away and puts a smile back on my face.

She has the ability to make me happy and calm me down in the hardest and saddest moments. She puts up with me when I'm pmsing and being a bitch. She lets me know when I'm annoying her and tells me the smallest things. She's my best friend and my girlfriend all in one.

She's the first person I feel like I can actually trust. It's scary and amazing all at once. I feel like I met the perfect person. I feel like she's my forever.

Today is 2 months not counting anything before and I all I want to do is shout to the world how she makes me feel inside. She makes me feel beautiful, strong, funny, and happy. She's my everything.

Her Little Things

I could probably list a thousand things I love about her but I wont. It's the little things though. I do love when she randomly says I love you. How affectionate she gets depending on her mood. Her smile. Her smile could light up the whole world. I love her eyes. She's an instant mood booster to any bad day. Little things like talking on the phone till we get tired. Saying goodnight and I love you on the phone and then through text within 10 mins. When she calls me baby or princess. How she gets me to laugh even when all I want to do is cry. We've motivated each other more these last 43 days then I've motivated myself the last 4 years.

I love all her little things the tiny things she thinks are stupid and annoying to the things she doesn't. She's one of the best things to happen to me and I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

"cause I'm in love with you, and all your little things"

Fearless

You never expect to fall in love with people when you do. Love can happen at the strangest times. I was comfortable not having someone because I felt like I still needed time to find myself.  I've been officially over a person for awhile now and I was okay with that.

It's funny how when your life is a mess and you are having so many issues on your own that someone walks in worth keeping. At first it was just a crush. She was just supposed to be a crush. It had a drama filled ex attached and I let her go for that. I told her to follow her heart. I never expected her to be it. . I never expected her to be the one I'd fall for. It's not my typical thing to go falling over girls.

The moment she asked me out for the second time things changed. I never expected her to come back to me.  I became this fearless person that was doing all the things I hate. I started taking down walls and doors I was trying so hard to keep up. As badly as I wanted to stay in my little bubble I've created around myself she broke it down.


"and I don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless, and I don't know why but with you I dance, in a storm in my best dress, fearless"

I've gone from this girl who closes the door on anyone who wants in, to the girl who stays up late just to talk to her before I go to bed. Talking to her is my favorite part of the day now. We text during the day and talk on the phone at night. I love the way she says I love you first before she hangs up the phone. The way she calls me beautiful and sweet and cute. I love the way that she just randomly says I love you or that she wishes she could be next to me. I've had my hurt moments in this relationships and she's shared her many apologies but it's all been worth it. Every tiny thing has just made us stronger.

Whether she was drunk or not, or whether she even remembers I'm always going to remember the moment she said she wanted to say those 3 words but was scared. In that moment where I read that, I realized how much I loved her. In that moment everything made sense to me.

Sure she's asked me to marry her drunk 10 times but I actually don't mind. It's the little moments when she's not at all drunk and calling me wifey and saying she loves me that I love. It's those moments that make me happy. I've spent the last few days quoting cheesy love songs with the words I love you in them and singing fearless in my head because it's how I feel. I feel desperately, hopelessly, and no other word can describe it, fearlessly in love.

I can see myself saying I do to her. I can see myself old with her. I'm planning on saving. Google says it's 6hrs to her house and I'm not going to let that stand in the way. If I have to move myself to her I will.  I’m not at all scared to move to her. We found some places close to her house now and I just have to remind myself that it's worth the wait because she's worth it.

I’ve never loved someone so much in my entire life. None of my past loves come even close to comparing to her. She was different to me the moment she came into my life and it's not changing. Everything in my past with love seems stupid, pointless and nothing compared to her. I spend more time crying because I’m happy than I ever have my entire life. I'm so in love with her that I just want my mom to know. I want my mom to know everything about her and like her half as much as I love her. I want my mom too see the reason why I'm smiling all the time and laughing.

I live for the moments where she says I love you. The good mornings to the good nights. I live for her. As scary as it seems like it is to me to be so open and vulnerable it's actually not scary at all. I can't wait to be with her forever. She got me thanking god for her every day and night. I just want my mom to meet the wonderful person who saved me from myself.

Another dumb post about dumb things but I can't help it.

It sucks when even a tv show is more important to someone than what you have to say. It sucks when even the dog barking isn't important to that person. The dog just wants a little attention and for her to be ignored is wrong.

It's hard not to take things like that personal when I feel like I should.

Balloons, Cake and Candles

Yesterday was my birthday and it seems like everyone except my mom forgot that. My mom was the only one who cared enough to let me decide what to do with my day. It sucks. I was told to clean the house because people (I didn't invite nor want) were going to be asked to come over to celebrate it after we ate out to dinner. I was annoyed with calls about somethings I am doing for someone.

It was my birthday and I'm sorry the last thing on my mind was things not related to my day but it was.

On top of all that I spent the whole day miserable because the idiot in me kept waiting for something to happen when I should have know it wouldn't.

I kind of wanted yesterday to just be the day where I come first to people. Where the few people I actually want to notice me would and they didn't. My mom was the only one. I felt like I had to keep reminding people that it was my birthday and not just another day.

My mom took an entire day off to celebrate with me and I hate that I lied when she asked if it was a good day. It was good for the fact that she didn't have to take the day off and she did. It was good for the fact that she tried so hard. I just wish more people in my own family cared sometimes.

Still holding on

Sometimes I feel like I'm still holding on to him like he's mine and he he's not. He never was. I went through a lot and I think it doesn't bother me as much but I think o feel like I deserve things to go back to how they used to be before I made them complicated. I want the friendship I never got.

I Hate Blog Titles

Just a little while ago I said that I was over a certain person that I'd left that chapter of my life behind and then today I hear them and it's like it all came back. I'm sitting here about ready to cry because I wish things were different.


I hate that a part of me still holds on while an even bigger part of me is letting go. Sometimes it seems like the bigger part has let go and then it happens again.

The above song is a big part of my life and this blog post. :\

I Want It Bad

Why is it that I always get so caught up in finding the one. Why do I feel like a big part of me is missing and that the emptiness I feel is just waiting to be replaced. I see everyone else with the perfect person and all I can think about it wanting it.

old best friends and new beginnings

I hate me dumping my old best friend ends up the topic of discussion. Painful memories for sure. I was a doormat that I let myself get walked all over more than once and never said a word because I thought that’s what friend did for each other. I was wrong. It always ended up happening on just my end. I never really noticed at first.

I was never a strong person. I was always the weak one. I sat back and watched it all happen and never said a word. I just went with the flow of things and let people control me because I thought I’d get somewhere in life. Now here I am a few years later and I’m this total self conscious girl who constantly thinks she’s a burden or a pest to everyone so she just alienates herself from them all. I used to have a world of friend but I just let them all dwindle away. I’ve had my confidence knocked down more than once by more than one different person and it’s hard to remain strong when you weren't strong to begin with.

When I ended up not being friends with her it made it really hard to stomach every time she said I was a bad friend. I started believing it for awhile. I thought I was the girl everyone secretly just put up with but hated. I thought everyone hated me and I was the clueless one about it. 

I fell into this depressed state which I’m still stuck in some days. In the middle of this depressed state I fell for someone and I let my guard down because I was at a point of no return and I ended up more hurt than ever. I ended more damaged then a person could ever be. I found out that love isn't always as simple as it seems. That you can love someone with all you have and they don't have to return it even 1%. I didn't know how to handle that. When you have that fear that it's hard to accept that the one person you were hoping to tell you that you weren't a burden doesn't care. It's hard to go on some days. You feel like the world is ending. Thinking about those feelings that were not returned leaves you helpless and scared and sad and angry and so many other things. You wanted them to be your saving grace and they couldn't be.

Here I am at 22 and I shouldn’t even have a suicide attempt record but hanging over my head and kept a secret from everyone else I’ve got 3 records that beg to differ. The only thing that ever stopped me from making my life take a detour was the fact that doing so could possibly hurt me to go through. I was more concerned with it hurting me while it was happening then what would happen once I was gone from the world. I’m the girl standing standing in front of a mirror with a bottle of pills in her hand except I’m in a dark kitchen with my hand on the cabinet ready.

My whole life I’ve let everything just happen in front of me without any cares. I’ve let a friend use me, guys use me, people I thought I trusted use me and for a few brief moments when I think about standing on my own two feet I get knocked down faster than I can get up again.

I was best friends with this person in HS and it all got thrown away over some things that they could have fixed. They never tried. Then again they never really tried at all during the friendship. 

All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved. All I’ve ever really wanted was for someone to be the one to pull my had from the cabinet door and tell me it’s okay. My life has been one big confusing mess lately and I just wish I had someone to help me though it all who could understand. I lost that person as a friend years ago but through all that I've continued with life and lost more important things. I've lost who I really am. Somewhere along the journey of life I lost myself. Some day I hope it returns with a little less of that empty feeling and a little more of me.

Stranger

Turn around, turn around

And fix your eye in my direction

So there is a connection

I can't speak, I can't make a sound

To somehow capture your attention

I'm staring at perfection

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight

I'm broken, abandoned, you are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

I'm confident, but I can't pretend

I wasn't terrified to meet you

I knew you could see right through me

I saw my life flash right before my very eyes

And I knew just what we?d turn into

I was hoping that you could see

Take a look at me so you can see

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight

I'm broken, abandoned, you are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

You are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Your beauty seems so far away

I'd have to write a thousand songs

To make you comprehend how beautiful you are

I know that I can't make you stay

But I would give my final breath

To make you understand how beautiful you are

Understand how beautiful you are

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight

I'm broken, abandoned, you are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

You call me a stranger

I Charlotte am losing it as of now.

I think I'm falling for someone I shouldn't be. Everything about this person makes it impossible not to and I find myself constantly wondering what they are doing where they are and if they are thinking of me too. They are always on my mind and I just can't seem to get rid of them. It seems like it's been forever since we talked and it hurts and scares me. Everything about this person scares me. I just want to tell them how much I'm falling for them but I'm scared I'll push them away.

I Don't Know Who I Am, When You're Running Circles In My Head

I feel like a lost puppy right now. It so incredibly stupid. I miss the times when I didn't like someone because I'm always the same when I do. I'm a different person entirely this time but still I miss it. Liking someone turns me into this lovesick puppy.

"I can't sleep, the pills they never help, try counting sheep still hurts like hell"

I don't like it one bit. I don't think lovesick me brings out the best in me. In fact it makes me crazy. I'm not saying I love this person because it is quite obvious that I don't. I'm just saying that it sucks liking someone even the littlest bit. It sucks talking to that person every day all day for over a week and then all of a sudden it's like once a day maybe and now it's to the point where we haven't spoken in almost a week. I mean when you know someone is busy and you accept it but you still hope they make a little effort after they told you they would sucks.

"wakin' up just breaks me down down, cuz every morning you are nowhere to be found nowhere to be found"

why is life so complicated

Last year my biggest concern was getting over heartbreak now my biggest concern is what's going to happen now that I like someone new. The moment everything changes it gets crazy and I'm experiencing that right now :(

I don't know anymore

When spend so much time talking to someone and then all of a sudden they move across the world and time changes make it difficult you begin to miss them. I never realized how much I liked this person until we hadn't talked for two days. I fall to hard and it's my downfall. This one has the potential to hurt me forever. I'm new to this. I'm new to these sort of feelings for this person and part of it scares me. I can't talk about to anyone because I don't know how it works. I don't know how they feel. We're both new to this whole thing and were testing the waters but I don't want it to fail. They are great. I can't believe I Charlotte am scared. Part of me thinks if I actually got the chance to commit to a relationship I wouldn't be able to handle it. That's kind of scary. I hope it doesn't fail but distance doesn't help. We went from being a hours apart to almost a world apart. How does that happen. They chose a path before I ever came into question and I don't know how to deal.