Fearless

You never expect to fall in love with people when you do. Love can happen at the strangest times. I was comfortable not having someone because I felt like I still needed time to find myself.  I've been officially over a person for awhile now and I was okay with that.

It's funny how when your life is a mess and you are having so many issues on your own that someone walks in worth keeping. At first it was just a crush. She was just supposed to be a crush. It had a drama filled ex attached and I let her go for that. I told her to follow her heart. I never expected her to be it. . I never expected her to be the one I'd fall for. It's not my typical thing to go falling over girls.

The moment she asked me out for the second time things changed. I never expected her to come back to me.  I became this fearless person that was doing all the things I hate. I started taking down walls and doors I was trying so hard to keep up. As badly as I wanted to stay in my little bubble I've created around myself she broke it down.


"and I don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless, and I don't know why but with you I dance, in a storm in my best dress, fearless"

I've gone from this girl who closes the door on anyone who wants in, to the girl who stays up late just to talk to her before I go to bed. Talking to her is my favorite part of the day now. We text during the day and talk on the phone at night. I love the way she says I love you first before she hangs up the phone. The way she calls me beautiful and sweet and cute. I love the way that she just randomly says I love you or that she wishes she could be next to me. I've had my hurt moments in this relationships and she's shared her many apologies but it's all been worth it. Every tiny thing has just made us stronger.

Whether she was drunk or not, or whether she even remembers I'm always going to remember the moment she said she wanted to say those 3 words but was scared. In that moment where I read that, I realized how much I loved her. In that moment everything made sense to me.

Sure she's asked me to marry her drunk 10 times but I actually don't mind. It's the little moments when she's not at all drunk and calling me wifey and saying she loves me that I love. It's those moments that make me happy. I've spent the last few days quoting cheesy love songs with the words I love you in them and singing fearless in my head because it's how I feel. I feel desperately, hopelessly, and no other word can describe it, fearlessly in love.

I can see myself saying I do to her. I can see myself old with her. I'm planning on saving. Google says it's 6hrs to her house and I'm not going to let that stand in the way. If I have to move myself to her I will.  I’m not at all scared to move to her. We found some places close to her house now and I just have to remind myself that it's worth the wait because she's worth it.

I’ve never loved someone so much in my entire life. None of my past loves come even close to comparing to her. She was different to me the moment she came into my life and it's not changing. Everything in my past with love seems stupid, pointless and nothing compared to her. I spend more time crying because I’m happy than I ever have my entire life. I'm so in love with her that I just want my mom to know. I want my mom to know everything about her and like her half as much as I love her. I want my mom too see the reason why I'm smiling all the time and laughing.

I live for the moments where she says I love you. The good mornings to the good nights. I live for her. As scary as it seems like it is to me to be so open and vulnerable it's actually not scary at all. I can't wait to be with her forever. She got me thanking god for her every day and night. I just want my mom to meet the wonderful person who saved me from myself.

Another dumb post about dumb things but I can't help it.

It sucks when even a tv show is more important to someone than what you have to say. It sucks when even the dog barking isn't important to that person. The dog just wants a little attention and for her to be ignored is wrong.

It's hard not to take things like that personal when I feel like I should.

Balloons, Cake and Candles

Yesterday was my birthday and it seems like everyone except my mom forgot that. My mom was the only one who cared enough to let me decide what to do with my day. It sucks. I was told to clean the house because people (I didn't invite nor want) were going to be asked to come over to celebrate it after we ate out to dinner. I was annoyed with calls about somethings I am doing for someone.

It was my birthday and I'm sorry the last thing on my mind was things not related to my day but it was.

On top of all that I spent the whole day miserable because the idiot in me kept waiting for something to happen when I should have know it wouldn't.

I kind of wanted yesterday to just be the day where I come first to people. Where the few people I actually want to notice me would and they didn't. My mom was the only one. I felt like I had to keep reminding people that it was my birthday and not just another day.

My mom took an entire day off to celebrate with me and I hate that I lied when she asked if it was a good day. It was good for the fact that she didn't have to take the day off and she did. It was good for the fact that she tried so hard. I just wish more people in my own family cared sometimes.

Still holding on

Sometimes I feel like I'm still holding on to him like he's mine and he he's not. He never was. I went through a lot and I think it doesn't bother me as much but I think o feel like I deserve things to go back to how they used to be before I made them complicated. I want the friendship I never got.

I Hate Blog Titles

Just a little while ago I said that I was over a certain person that I'd left that chapter of my life behind and then today I hear them and it's like it all came back. I'm sitting here about ready to cry because I wish things were different.


I hate that a part of me still holds on while an even bigger part of me is letting go. Sometimes it seems like the bigger part has let go and then it happens again.

The above song is a big part of my life and this blog post. :\

I Want It Bad

Why is it that I always get so caught up in finding the one. Why do I feel like a big part of me is missing and that the emptiness I feel is just waiting to be replaced. I see everyone else with the perfect person and all I can think about it wanting it.

old best friends and new beginnings

I hate me dumping my old best friend ends up the topic of discussion. Painful memories for sure. I was a doormat that I let myself get walked all over more than once and never said a word because I thought that’s what friend did for each other. I was wrong. It always ended up happening on just my end. I never really noticed at first.

I was never a strong person. I was always the weak one. I sat back and watched it all happen and never said a word. I just went with the flow of things and let people control me because I thought I’d get somewhere in life. Now here I am a few years later and I’m this total self conscious girl who constantly thinks she’s a burden or a pest to everyone so she just alienates herself from them all. I used to have a world of friend but I just let them all dwindle away. I’ve had my confidence knocked down more than once by more than one different person and it’s hard to remain strong when you weren't strong to begin with.

When I ended up not being friends with her it made it really hard to stomach every time she said I was a bad friend. I started believing it for awhile. I thought I was the girl everyone secretly just put up with but hated. I thought everyone hated me and I was the clueless one about it. 

I fell into this depressed state which I’m still stuck in some days. In the middle of this depressed state I fell for someone and I let my guard down because I was at a point of no return and I ended up more hurt than ever. I ended more damaged then a person could ever be. I found out that love isn't always as simple as it seems. That you can love someone with all you have and they don't have to return it even 1%. I didn't know how to handle that. When you have that fear that it's hard to accept that the one person you were hoping to tell you that you weren't a burden doesn't care. It's hard to go on some days. You feel like the world is ending. Thinking about those feelings that were not returned leaves you helpless and scared and sad and angry and so many other things. You wanted them to be your saving grace and they couldn't be.

Here I am at 22 and I shouldn’t even have a suicide attempt record but hanging over my head and kept a secret from everyone else I’ve got 3 records that beg to differ. The only thing that ever stopped me from making my life take a detour was the fact that doing so could possibly hurt me to go through. I was more concerned with it hurting me while it was happening then what would happen once I was gone from the world. I’m the girl standing standing in front of a mirror with a bottle of pills in her hand except I’m in a dark kitchen with my hand on the cabinet ready.

My whole life I’ve let everything just happen in front of me without any cares. I’ve let a friend use me, guys use me, people I thought I trusted use me and for a few brief moments when I think about standing on my own two feet I get knocked down faster than I can get up again.

I was best friends with this person in HS and it all got thrown away over some things that they could have fixed. They never tried. Then again they never really tried at all during the friendship. 

All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved. All I’ve ever really wanted was for someone to be the one to pull my had from the cabinet door and tell me it’s okay. My life has been one big confusing mess lately and I just wish I had someone to help me though it all who could understand. I lost that person as a friend years ago but through all that I've continued with life and lost more important things. I've lost who I really am. Somewhere along the journey of life I lost myself. Some day I hope it returns with a little less of that empty feeling and a little more of me.