I hate me dumping my old best friend ends up the topic of discussion. Painful memories for sure. I was a doormat that I let myself get walked all over more than once and never said a word because I thought that’s what friend did for each other. I was wrong. It always ended up happening on just my end. I never really noticed at first.
I was never a strong person. I was always the weak one. I sat back and watched it all happen and never said a word. I just went with the flow of things and let people control me because I thought I’d get somewhere in life. Now here I am a few years later and I’m this total self conscious girl who constantly thinks she’s a burden or a pest to everyone so she just alienates herself from them all. I used to have a world of friend but I just let them all dwindle away. I’ve had my confidence knocked down more than once by more than one different person and it’s hard to remain strong when you weren't strong to begin with.
When I ended up not being friends with her it made it really hard to stomach every time she said I was a bad friend. I started believing it for awhile. I thought I was the girl everyone secretly just put up with but hated. I thought everyone hated me and I was the clueless one about it.
I fell into this depressed state which I’m still stuck in some days. In the middle of this depressed state I fell for someone and I let my guard down because I was at a point of no return and I ended up more hurt than ever. I ended more damaged then a person could ever be. I found out that love isn't always as simple as it seems. That you can love someone with all you have and they don't have to return it even 1%. I didn't know how to handle that. When you have that fear that it's hard to accept that the one person you were hoping to tell you that you weren't a burden doesn't care. It's hard to go on some days. You feel like the world is ending. Thinking about those feelings that were not returned leaves you helpless and scared and sad and angry and so many other things. You wanted them to be your saving grace and they couldn't be.
Here I am at 22 and I shouldn’t even have a suicide attempt record but hanging over my head and kept a secret from everyone else I’ve got 3 records that beg to differ. The only thing that ever stopped me from making my life take a detour was the fact that doing so could possibly hurt me to go through. I was more concerned with it hurting me while it was happening then what would happen once I was gone from the world. I’m the girl standing standing in front of a mirror with a bottle of pills in her hand except I’m in a dark kitchen with my hand on the cabinet ready.
My whole life I’ve let everything just happen in front of me without any cares. I’ve let a friend use me, guys use me, people I thought I trusted use me and for a few brief moments when I think about standing on my own two feet I get knocked down faster than I can get up again.
I was best friends with this person in HS and it all got thrown away over some things that they could have fixed. They never tried. Then again they never really tried at all during the friendship.
All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved. All I’ve ever really wanted was for someone to be the one to pull my had from the cabinet door and tell me it’s okay. My life has been one big confusing mess lately and I just wish I had someone to help me though it all who could understand. I lost that person as a friend years ago but through all that I've continued with life and lost more important things. I've lost who I really am. Somewhere along the journey of life I lost myself. Some day I hope it returns with a little less of that empty feeling and a little more of me.
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