Eatinng. Food. Struggles.

I've noticed lately that the more and more I go to eat, I think about what I'm eating before I eat it. I generally will eat junk if I want to. I don't really pay attention to what I eat as far as what it's doing to my body but I do think about the health factors based on the item. I've lost 20 lbs or so due to a medical issue and now every time I step on the scale I think about how maybe if I was still sick and still throwing up all my food I could go down 20 more pounds or even 30. It's not healthy. I've had thoughts more than once about just not eating so I can lose weight or vice versa. I know the risks of all that junk because I used to always think how stupid the people doing that very thing were and then I considered it and I realized just how easy it is to get to that point.

Demi Lovato got to that point. It so easy to get to where she was at one point. Some days I find myself avoiding food till 1 or 2 pm or even till dinner time. On those days Im not really sure if it's because of when I was sick and everything I ate made me throw up and I am scared or if it's because I just want to lose weight. Today it's already 1 30 and I haven't had anything. Society makes you think thin is pretty and thin is what gets you liked. I've never really listened to society or felt the way I feel about myself because of it necessarily but I know so many others do. I think I think that way based on my own thoughts and opinions of myself more than others.

I think the one thing that makes me less likely to take those measures to lose weight is my girlfriend. When I explained everything that went one while I was sick, her "you are basically like a bulimic" comment got to me.  My appetite got down so low at one point that I could barely eat a slice of pizza without being full or throwing up. I lived on crackers. That's healthy. Somewhere inside of me I kind of wish I was still in that time losing weight but then I think about her comment and her constantly making sure I ate for awhile and I realize how foolish it all was.

I remember at one point she told me, "I think you are fine just the way you are, besides I like bigger girls". She then proceeded to say that we could work out together and lose weight together and whether she knows it or not she had a huge affect on me. I was at a crossroad where I wasn't sure which path to go on and she pointed me into the right direction.

It's a constant struggle. I think that at one point I could go too far but knowing what too far can equal keeps me on the right side of the tracks fighting against it longer.

In fact if you look up the signs of bulimia I fit almost all of them. It's a scary thought knowing I do but it almost feels thrilling at the same time too. That's not a healthy thought and it kind of makes me sick knowing that I think or feel that way but I do. I've been up since 9 and food has been on my mind but I've just been ignoring it. I'v been pushing it to the back of my mind and replacing it with things that can keep me occupied away from it. I'm not sure at what point my mind and body will really connect with what exactly is going on and what Im doing but maybe it will. I don't consider myself bulimic in anyway and I just want to make myself clear on that. I don't consider myself anything I'm just simply stating that what I went through while I was sick for those months and what I'm still struggling with have me close to classified as that.

She's like a hand that fits perfectly into mine. I call her my home. She's become one of the most important people in my life and I don't know I'd go without her. I've spent the last week halfway miserable because I felt like We were both being so distant with each other. I don't think I really took the time to step back and take a look at things and see that maybe we weren't being distant but maybe we were just both over the whole in one anothers face with love phase and more into focusing on the future. I think we both want a future that is together and I didn't take the time to remember that while I was miserable. This whole week I felt like I was losing the best thing that's ever happened to me. I felt like the one thing that was going right was going all wrong. I underestimate things way too much and never find the good either.

Here it is Friday and we talked for literally like a total of probably 30 minutes and it's already brought everything I loved in her right back to me. It's made me realize I shouldn't doubt everything because in the end it will all be okay we will be okay.

From like 2 weeks ago but it still makes me smile.