And I do wanna love you and I do wanna try

I'm at this point in my life where I've realized that I never truly loved the one person in my life that I thought I did. I thought I was in love. I thought I had everything I needed right before my eyes but I was all wrong. In the end all I did was push someone away with my feelings. I started to feel so low. When you struggle with depression everything seems like a low point and that was most definitely it. Looking back I've realized that the depressed person in me was making me confuse things into love because I just wanted to be happy. I can't remember the last time I was truly happen inside out. Those brief months building into a year I thought I found something that was amazing so I ran with it. I was blinding myself from my own reality because for once in my life waking up wasn't so horrible. Once in my life I felt like everything was actually going my way. 

I'm not going to say that I never felt anything because I felt something or I wouldn't have cried after everything that happened and I wouldn't be almost crying now. I don't honestly think it was love. I know I said the word love and his name in the same sentence way too many times but I think I was trying to hide behind everything. I was trying to use love to make me feel okay again and I didn't see what I was doing until it was too late. I guess part of me wishes that I could go back into that denial stage where I was so caught up in the moment just so I could almost be happy again. That brief year made me almost feel like I had been found. After years of being lost I thought I'd finally gotten myself on track. I was so caught in the moment that when it was over I never realized how hard it is to have the one thing you were so stuck on gone. 

Writing this I feel like I'm just lying to myself so that even the smallest heartbreak still left in me will go away but that's not possible. I'm sitting here trying to pour my heart out and all that's ending up is me feeding myself and the world two paragraphs of bullshit. I just wrote two paragraphs all about how it wasn't love when every single part of my body knows it wasn't true. My heart can't ever let my mind win. It's a mind game I can't seem to let my mind win.n

My heart can't even let anything go. I shouldn't have even wrote this because all it's gonna do is upset me.

It's no wonder everything goes crappy. I don't remember the last time I ever had a hug or the last time my own family even said the loved me. Isn't that wrong? I can't even remember the last time anyone took any time at all to actually talk to me in my family. My own mother ignores me most of the time. I'm shutting down. I'm so closed off and I wont let anyone in because that's just who I am. I'm constantly confused. 

This entire blog is pointless but I felt like writing it.

I'm learning to fall...

I thinking falling is such a beautiful thing. It's beautiful because even though you have fallen as soon as you get up everything's better. I mean it's not ALWAYS better but falling in a lot of ways could mean a bunch of different things. It's all about getting up and dusting yourself off like nothing happened. You could fall 1 time and learn nothing or you could Fall 1000 times and learn everything. It's the beauty within the fall. It's not really about falling it's about how you carry yourself after the fall. It's about how no matter what is going on you take yourself and stand on your own two feet. In a lot of ways it's about after the fall. Learning to fall could mean anything.

I think learning to fall could be a beautiful thing because it's almost like you are accepting yourself for who are.



PS: listening to music and rambling don't go hand in hand so O well.

Who I Am

It's a constant battle. It's like I am fighting a dirty war. I'm in the middle of somewhere and I can't escape. Who am I? I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm broken. I'm put together. I'm the soldier fearing for life. Who am I?


I don't really know who I am. Maybe I'm a soldier lost between paths. Maybe I'm the person the soldiers fear. I'm harmless. That's exactly what I am, I'm harmless and hurt. My brain can't figure out what's going on anymore. I'm just a 22 year old girl living in screwed up world. I'm just a girl wishing she could fight for what she believes in. I'm at a constant battle with myself and the world. I'm too scared to fight back so instead I just sit down and listen to music. I let the words of my favorite band Mayday Parade fill my ears and ease my mind. I'm gutless. I've got the determination somewhere within me but I'm too spineless to use it. 


The dark unknown outside is too scary for me. It scares me more to be filled with darkness than it ever would to be in a tornado. Who am I?  Somewhere someone probably thinks I'm different. Somewhere someone probably doesn't get me. Somewhere someone is judging my big brown eyes and hair, the way I dress, and the color of my skin. Somewhere somebody thinks they are insulting me by how much I weigh or the things I do with my life but it doesn't bother me because I'd rather stand out. Who am I?


Maybe I'm the pink and blue in the rainbow on a rainy day or maybe I'm the yellow sunshine on a cloudy day. I could even be the rain or the clouds who knows. I'm probably the girl reading a book with a smile on her face wishing she was a part of another love story. I'll never know. 


 I guess that's the cool thing about being me. I'll never truly know who I am. I'll never truly know who I am because I'll never be anything but me. I'll never stop being me, the 22 year old girl whose scared of the dark and death, who'd rather be reading a book or listening to her favorite band than doing anything else. The girl living in a screwed up world without any guts or spine. No matter what I'm always going to be that girl. The girl with the brown eyes fighting a battle within herself. I'm always going to be me.