My Favorite Place.

My favorite place isn't London or Paris. My favorite place isn't famous at all. My favorite place is not open to public. My favorite place is almost my own. My favorite place can be quiet and calming. My favorite place is unlike the rest. No hustle or bustle. No city. No lights. My favorite place is the best in my mind. It's got grass. It's got trees. An island or two. A few wildlife and some fish in it too. My favorite place is just in my back yard. It's a walk away or a car away. It's beautiful in it's own way. It's got water,a bridge.

My favorite place was made with two hands. It's a pond filled with fish which my grandpa loved. I love it too more than any other place. Everytime I'm near it reminds me of him. It reminds me of days when I was young and a kid. Of days when I'd fish with him and have fun being a grandkid. It reminds me of fun and of days filled with laughter. It's apart of my heart and I'll cherish it forever.

Another Day

It's another day and I've thought about it again. The unspoken thing I always seem to think about. I couldn't though. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it. One minute I can be fine and the next minute I'm practically ripping my hair out trying to keep it together. I have no in between anymore. Sometimes I wonder why I don't have the courage to go through with things but then I remember it's because I'm better than that.

I don't know

I'm still not sure who I am. I'm Charlotte and I'm 22. I should know exactly who I am. I've been having thoughts about things and I don't know why. I spend my days completely confused. It sucks.

Time changes between countries suck. Especially when it doesn't help what I'm feeling or the thoughts I'm thinking. I want to just let it all out here but I don't want to admit it anyone yet. Only one person knows my thoughts and they are sleeping while I'm awake. They live somewhere completely different than me.
:(

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Who I am

I'm so confused about who I am. I was always this person who knew who I was and it changed recently. I've been questioning myself and I'm scared of the answers. I'm scared of being hated. It sucks. I can't talk to anyone because I'm still confused and unsure. I hate it. My life isn't going how I planned. Then again I never had a plan. Music was just always my answer. I never knew why or how it just was. I was wrong about everything when it came to life. Hmmmm!?

It All Started With A Van.

A few days ago I saw this van on the highway and it had this tumblr link all over it http://findingmyplaceinspace.tumblr.com/

Nothing about the link is even kind of entertaining so I just followed the blog on it and kept looking at the van. The van kind of had me all intrigued and confused. It left me partly inspired and partly curious about life. What I don't understand is how a 15 passenger van most likely spray painted with all those different colors and then the link had me that inspired and curious. It got me excited. For a moment I kind of wanted to do exactly what she was doing. I don't know why either. I wanted to be care free and just travel. Then the real side of my brain kicked in and dollar signs started appearing and I dropped it.

What if everyone lived like that though in a van traveling the world care free. No place to call home. No place that you stayed in long enough for it to matter. Traveling with gas prices the way they are means that it's certainly not cheap but what about food. What about family.

One of the most random things has got me thinking more than I have in awhile. It kind of inspired me to think about starting a journal on my life. Some part of me feels like I owe myself that. What started out as just a van on the highway ended up as something a little more intriguing and inspiring and a little less odd and weird.

Even the blog name says it all finding my place in space. Everbody is always trying to find themselves and the person traveling in that van is no different than the rest of us except that she's doing it. Actually finding herself instead of wishing she would or waiting on it. She's not sitting around chancing that life will come. She's making it.

And people wonder why I push them away.

And people wonder why I push them away. 
Here's the story...

Boy asks girl out in a weird way. Girl questions it. Boy asks clearly. Girl finds boy slightly annoying but says yes because she thinks he deserves a fair chance. Two days later and ignored texts it's 4th of July. Girl sends text Happy 4th! Boy sends back numerous text messages on how he needs to find himself and get closer with god and how he wants to break up. Girl gets upset and his terrible excuse for a break up and calls him out on it. Boy keeps texting the same stupid things about being a child of God and how he could let a sister at his church help me. Girl gets even more pissed because boy obviously didn't listen when she said she has a relationship with him and goes to church. Boy asks for girl to stop texting him. Girl does it anyway one more time to tell him that if he thinks stupid excuses will land him as a friend to her still then he's crazy. As of now boy doesn't respond.

Now I'll say if this doesn't make my thoughts and ideas on relationships being shit and guys needing to grow up any farther in those directions then I don't know what. Lost all respect for that person. I wasn't even that interested I was more pissed off by the crap excuses than anything.

I Push People Away

When ever anyone admits to having any sort of feelings for me I always end up pushing them away. It's this automatic response thing I have. My blinders go off and I be little them until any feelings they have are squashed. It's horrible.

What is it that attracts people to us. What makes someone like you? It seems like it's a bit of everything. Like a bunch of things that can't always be pointed out.

Part of me wants the cheesy love that's so overly romantic and wonderful while the other half knows how reality works and just wants to survive another day.

"I push people away who start to love me because I know that if they stopped loving me, it would kill me"

“I wish I was half as good at keeping people around as I am at pushing them away.”


Sometimes I just wish I could find my Jack. Find my miss pieces and never let go.