And I do wanna love you and I do wanna try

I'm at this point in my life where I've realized that I never truly loved the one person in my life that I thought I did. I thought I was in love. I thought I had everything I needed right before my eyes but I was all wrong. In the end all I did was push someone away with my feelings. I started to feel so low. When you struggle with depression everything seems like a low point and that was most definitely it. Looking back I've realized that the depressed person in me was making me confuse things into love because I just wanted to be happy. I can't remember the last time I was truly happen inside out. Those brief months building into a year I thought I found something that was amazing so I ran with it. I was blinding myself from my own reality because for once in my life waking up wasn't so horrible. Once in my life I felt like everything was actually going my way. 

I'm not going to say that I never felt anything because I felt something or I wouldn't have cried after everything that happened and I wouldn't be almost crying now. I don't honestly think it was love. I know I said the word love and his name in the same sentence way too many times but I think I was trying to hide behind everything. I was trying to use love to make me feel okay again and I didn't see what I was doing until it was too late. I guess part of me wishes that I could go back into that denial stage where I was so caught up in the moment just so I could almost be happy again. That brief year made me almost feel like I had been found. After years of being lost I thought I'd finally gotten myself on track. I was so caught in the moment that when it was over I never realized how hard it is to have the one thing you were so stuck on gone. 

Writing this I feel like I'm just lying to myself so that even the smallest heartbreak still left in me will go away but that's not possible. I'm sitting here trying to pour my heart out and all that's ending up is me feeding myself and the world two paragraphs of bullshit. I just wrote two paragraphs all about how it wasn't love when every single part of my body knows it wasn't true. My heart can't ever let my mind win. It's a mind game I can't seem to let my mind win.n

My heart can't even let anything go. I shouldn't have even wrote this because all it's gonna do is upset me.

It's no wonder everything goes crappy. I don't remember the last time I ever had a hug or the last time my own family even said the loved me. Isn't that wrong? I can't even remember the last time anyone took any time at all to actually talk to me in my family. My own mother ignores me most of the time. I'm shutting down. I'm so closed off and I wont let anyone in because that's just who I am. I'm constantly confused. 

This entire blog is pointless but I felt like writing it.