Another dumb post about dumb things but I can't help it.

It sucks when even a tv show is more important to someone than what you have to say. It sucks when even the dog barking isn't important to that person. The dog just wants a little attention and for her to be ignored is wrong.

It's hard not to take things like that personal when I feel like I should.

Balloons, Cake and Candles

Yesterday was my birthday and it seems like everyone except my mom forgot that. My mom was the only one who cared enough to let me decide what to do with my day. It sucks. I was told to clean the house because people (I didn't invite nor want) were going to be asked to come over to celebrate it after we ate out to dinner. I was annoyed with calls about somethings I am doing for someone.

It was my birthday and I'm sorry the last thing on my mind was things not related to my day but it was.

On top of all that I spent the whole day miserable because the idiot in me kept waiting for something to happen when I should have know it wouldn't.

I kind of wanted yesterday to just be the day where I come first to people. Where the few people I actually want to notice me would and they didn't. My mom was the only one. I felt like I had to keep reminding people that it was my birthday and not just another day.

My mom took an entire day off to celebrate with me and I hate that I lied when she asked if it was a good day. It was good for the fact that she didn't have to take the day off and she did. It was good for the fact that she tried so hard. I just wish more people in my own family cared sometimes.

Still holding on

Sometimes I feel like I'm still holding on to him like he's mine and he he's not. He never was. I went through a lot and I think it doesn't bother me as much but I think o feel like I deserve things to go back to how they used to be before I made them complicated. I want the friendship I never got.

I Hate Blog Titles

Just a little while ago I said that I was over a certain person that I'd left that chapter of my life behind and then today I hear them and it's like it all came back. I'm sitting here about ready to cry because I wish things were different.


I hate that a part of me still holds on while an even bigger part of me is letting go. Sometimes it seems like the bigger part has let go and then it happens again.

The above song is a big part of my life and this blog post. :\

I Want It Bad

Why is it that I always get so caught up in finding the one. Why do I feel like a big part of me is missing and that the emptiness I feel is just waiting to be replaced. I see everyone else with the perfect person and all I can think about it wanting it.

old best friends and new beginnings

I hate me dumping my old best friend ends up the topic of discussion. Painful memories for sure. I was a doormat that I let myself get walked all over more than once and never said a word because I thought that’s what friend did for each other. I was wrong. It always ended up happening on just my end. I never really noticed at first.

I was never a strong person. I was always the weak one. I sat back and watched it all happen and never said a word. I just went with the flow of things and let people control me because I thought I’d get somewhere in life. Now here I am a few years later and I’m this total self conscious girl who constantly thinks she’s a burden or a pest to everyone so she just alienates herself from them all. I used to have a world of friend but I just let them all dwindle away. I’ve had my confidence knocked down more than once by more than one different person and it’s hard to remain strong when you weren't strong to begin with.

When I ended up not being friends with her it made it really hard to stomach every time she said I was a bad friend. I started believing it for awhile. I thought I was the girl everyone secretly just put up with but hated. I thought everyone hated me and I was the clueless one about it. 

I fell into this depressed state which I’m still stuck in some days. In the middle of this depressed state I fell for someone and I let my guard down because I was at a point of no return and I ended up more hurt than ever. I ended more damaged then a person could ever be. I found out that love isn't always as simple as it seems. That you can love someone with all you have and they don't have to return it even 1%. I didn't know how to handle that. When you have that fear that it's hard to accept that the one person you were hoping to tell you that you weren't a burden doesn't care. It's hard to go on some days. You feel like the world is ending. Thinking about those feelings that were not returned leaves you helpless and scared and sad and angry and so many other things. You wanted them to be your saving grace and they couldn't be.

Here I am at 22 and I shouldn’t even have a suicide attempt record but hanging over my head and kept a secret from everyone else I’ve got 3 records that beg to differ. The only thing that ever stopped me from making my life take a detour was the fact that doing so could possibly hurt me to go through. I was more concerned with it hurting me while it was happening then what would happen once I was gone from the world. I’m the girl standing standing in front of a mirror with a bottle of pills in her hand except I’m in a dark kitchen with my hand on the cabinet ready.

My whole life I’ve let everything just happen in front of me without any cares. I’ve let a friend use me, guys use me, people I thought I trusted use me and for a few brief moments when I think about standing on my own two feet I get knocked down faster than I can get up again.

I was best friends with this person in HS and it all got thrown away over some things that they could have fixed. They never tried. Then again they never really tried at all during the friendship. 

All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved. All I’ve ever really wanted was for someone to be the one to pull my had from the cabinet door and tell me it’s okay. My life has been one big confusing mess lately and I just wish I had someone to help me though it all who could understand. I lost that person as a friend years ago but through all that I've continued with life and lost more important things. I've lost who I really am. Somewhere along the journey of life I lost myself. Some day I hope it returns with a little less of that empty feeling and a little more of me.

Stranger

Turn around, turn around

And fix your eye in my direction

So there is a connection

I can't speak, I can't make a sound

To somehow capture your attention

I'm staring at perfection

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight

I'm broken, abandoned, you are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

I'm confident, but I can't pretend

I wasn't terrified to meet you

I knew you could see right through me

I saw my life flash right before my very eyes

And I knew just what we?d turn into

I was hoping that you could see

Take a look at me so you can see

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight

I'm broken, abandoned, you are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

You are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Take a look at me so you can see

How beautiful you are

Your beauty seems so far away

I'd have to write a thousand songs

To make you comprehend how beautiful you are

I know that I can't make you stay

But I would give my final breath

To make you understand how beautiful you are

Understand how beautiful you are

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

But all these thoughts are leaving you tonight

I'm broken, abandoned, you are an angel

Making all my dreams come true tonight

You call me a stranger, you say I'm a danger

You call me a stranger

I Charlotte am losing it as of now.

I think I'm falling for someone I shouldn't be. Everything about this person makes it impossible not to and I find myself constantly wondering what they are doing where they are and if they are thinking of me too. They are always on my mind and I just can't seem to get rid of them. It seems like it's been forever since we talked and it hurts and scares me. Everything about this person scares me. I just want to tell them how much I'm falling for them but I'm scared I'll push them away.

I Don't Know Who I Am, When You're Running Circles In My Head

I feel like a lost puppy right now. It so incredibly stupid. I miss the times when I didn't like someone because I'm always the same when I do. I'm a different person entirely this time but still I miss it. Liking someone turns me into this lovesick puppy.

"I can't sleep, the pills they never help, try counting sheep still hurts like hell"

I don't like it one bit. I don't think lovesick me brings out the best in me. In fact it makes me crazy. I'm not saying I love this person because it is quite obvious that I don't. I'm just saying that it sucks liking someone even the littlest bit. It sucks talking to that person every day all day for over a week and then all of a sudden it's like once a day maybe and now it's to the point where we haven't spoken in almost a week. I mean when you know someone is busy and you accept it but you still hope they make a little effort after they told you they would sucks.

"wakin' up just breaks me down down, cuz every morning you are nowhere to be found nowhere to be found"

why is life so complicated

Last year my biggest concern was getting over heartbreak now my biggest concern is what's going to happen now that I like someone new. The moment everything changes it gets crazy and I'm experiencing that right now :(

I don't know anymore

When spend so much time talking to someone and then all of a sudden they move across the world and time changes make it difficult you begin to miss them. I never realized how much I liked this person until we hadn't talked for two days. I fall to hard and it's my downfall. This one has the potential to hurt me forever. I'm new to this. I'm new to these sort of feelings for this person and part of it scares me. I can't talk about to anyone because I don't know how it works. I don't know how they feel. We're both new to this whole thing and were testing the waters but I don't want it to fail. They are great. I can't believe I Charlotte am scared. Part of me thinks if I actually got the chance to commit to a relationship I wouldn't be able to handle it. That's kind of scary. I hope it doesn't fail but distance doesn't help. We went from being a hours apart to almost a world apart. How does that happen. They chose a path before I ever came into question and I don't know how to deal.

My Favorite Place.

My favorite place isn't London or Paris. My favorite place isn't famous at all. My favorite place is not open to public. My favorite place is almost my own. My favorite place can be quiet and calming. My favorite place is unlike the rest. No hustle or bustle. No city. No lights. My favorite place is the best in my mind. It's got grass. It's got trees. An island or two. A few wildlife and some fish in it too. My favorite place is just in my back yard. It's a walk away or a car away. It's beautiful in it's own way. It's got water,a bridge.

My favorite place was made with two hands. It's a pond filled with fish which my grandpa loved. I love it too more than any other place. Everytime I'm near it reminds me of him. It reminds me of days when I was young and a kid. Of days when I'd fish with him and have fun being a grandkid. It reminds me of fun and of days filled with laughter. It's apart of my heart and I'll cherish it forever.

Another Day

It's another day and I've thought about it again. The unspoken thing I always seem to think about. I couldn't though. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it. One minute I can be fine and the next minute I'm practically ripping my hair out trying to keep it together. I have no in between anymore. Sometimes I wonder why I don't have the courage to go through with things but then I remember it's because I'm better than that.

I don't know

I'm still not sure who I am. I'm Charlotte and I'm 22. I should know exactly who I am. I've been having thoughts about things and I don't know why. I spend my days completely confused. It sucks.

Time changes between countries suck. Especially when it doesn't help what I'm feeling or the thoughts I'm thinking. I want to just let it all out here but I don't want to admit it anyone yet. Only one person knows my thoughts and they are sleeping while I'm awake. They live somewhere completely different than me.
:(

kdlsafjldskfj

Who I am

I'm so confused about who I am. I was always this person who knew who I was and it changed recently. I've been questioning myself and I'm scared of the answers. I'm scared of being hated. It sucks. I can't talk to anyone because I'm still confused and unsure. I hate it. My life isn't going how I planned. Then again I never had a plan. Music was just always my answer. I never knew why or how it just was. I was wrong about everything when it came to life. Hmmmm!?

It All Started With A Van.

A few days ago I saw this van on the highway and it had this tumblr link all over it http://findingmyplaceinspace.tumblr.com/

Nothing about the link is even kind of entertaining so I just followed the blog on it and kept looking at the van. The van kind of had me all intrigued and confused. It left me partly inspired and partly curious about life. What I don't understand is how a 15 passenger van most likely spray painted with all those different colors and then the link had me that inspired and curious. It got me excited. For a moment I kind of wanted to do exactly what she was doing. I don't know why either. I wanted to be care free and just travel. Then the real side of my brain kicked in and dollar signs started appearing and I dropped it.

What if everyone lived like that though in a van traveling the world care free. No place to call home. No place that you stayed in long enough for it to matter. Traveling with gas prices the way they are means that it's certainly not cheap but what about food. What about family.

One of the most random things has got me thinking more than I have in awhile. It kind of inspired me to think about starting a journal on my life. Some part of me feels like I owe myself that. What started out as just a van on the highway ended up as something a little more intriguing and inspiring and a little less odd and weird.

Even the blog name says it all finding my place in space. Everbody is always trying to find themselves and the person traveling in that van is no different than the rest of us except that she's doing it. Actually finding herself instead of wishing she would or waiting on it. She's not sitting around chancing that life will come. She's making it.

And people wonder why I push them away.

And people wonder why I push them away. 
Here's the story...

Boy asks girl out in a weird way. Girl questions it. Boy asks clearly. Girl finds boy slightly annoying but says yes because she thinks he deserves a fair chance. Two days later and ignored texts it's 4th of July. Girl sends text Happy 4th! Boy sends back numerous text messages on how he needs to find himself and get closer with god and how he wants to break up. Girl gets upset and his terrible excuse for a break up and calls him out on it. Boy keeps texting the same stupid things about being a child of God and how he could let a sister at his church help me. Girl gets even more pissed because boy obviously didn't listen when she said she has a relationship with him and goes to church. Boy asks for girl to stop texting him. Girl does it anyway one more time to tell him that if he thinks stupid excuses will land him as a friend to her still then he's crazy. As of now boy doesn't respond.

Now I'll say if this doesn't make my thoughts and ideas on relationships being shit and guys needing to grow up any farther in those directions then I don't know what. Lost all respect for that person. I wasn't even that interested I was more pissed off by the crap excuses than anything.

I Push People Away

When ever anyone admits to having any sort of feelings for me I always end up pushing them away. It's this automatic response thing I have. My blinders go off and I be little them until any feelings they have are squashed. It's horrible.

What is it that attracts people to us. What makes someone like you? It seems like it's a bit of everything. Like a bunch of things that can't always be pointed out.

Part of me wants the cheesy love that's so overly romantic and wonderful while the other half knows how reality works and just wants to survive another day.

"I push people away who start to love me because I know that if they stopped loving me, it would kill me"

“I wish I was half as good at keeping people around as I am at pushing them away.”


Sometimes I just wish I could find my Jack. Find my miss pieces and never let go.

Don't Have To Be Scared At All

Listening to Fall by Justin Bieber and it got me thinking. I'm still in love with the same person that I was over a year ago. I still feel strong for that person. I still wish more than anything that things turned out different but they didn't. I used to be so bothered by that. Bothered by the fact that my heart was attached to something that wasn't ever going to return it. It doesn't bother me anymore.

It scared me to feel something that strong. Now it just feels normal. It feels real. I've never felt more alive. The heart takes time to heal and even if I'm still partially broken by it I'm okay with that. I've grown so much from all of the stuff that happened that it's okay. I'm honestly okay. For the moment anyway.

"you can't fly unless you let yourself fall" 

struggles

What people don't realize or yet understand is what it takes to be Charlotte. I'm at a constant war with myself. It's like I never win. I'm struggling time after time to just breathe in and out somewhat normally. My brain striving to be this perfect model of what a normal person is and it's hard. Some days I feel like I can't do it anymore and then other days it's great.

"I'm not perfect but I keep tryin', cause that's what I said I would do from the start"

I always thought I had to be this or that or even look this way or that way to feel okay again. I'm just now finding out that no matter how hard I tell myself that no of that matters it really does.
When you are a recovering person like me from things that are hard to even admit it's sort of a reality everytime something comes up in life showing you how you aren't as perfect as everyone else or even as perfect as you thought. I know they say nobody is perfect but in my mind sometimes I find myself saying certain people are. I find myself saying that maybe I'm not enough. It's a work in progress getting better and each day I just pray I move in the right direction leaving yesterday behind and making tomorrow the best future it can be.













-Char

I wont be just another statistic on a suicide site.

I've always been the person who says how stupid it is to kill yourself. Quoting sites on the rate of suicide among the young population. I Charlotte can say here now that I've even thought of it as an option before in my life. Those thoughts were before I started saying how stupid it was.

I didn't realize until Thursday night how big of a hypocrite I was being. It's hard to accept the fact that you've spent years hating yourself for ever thinking those suicidal thoughts all those years ago and that you are in the middle of a relapse. 

I had a moment in time about 1 hour in which it all came tumbling down. I was standing in the bathroom looking at my tear stained cheeks in the mirror trying to find a way out. I was asking God how much it would hurt if I just down a bottle of pills and never looked back. I kept asking him if he would be disappointed in me. I kept asking him how long before they took affect. I didn't really want to go. I mean part of me did. Part of me just wanted the attention so everyone knew that something was actually wrong for once. I sat on my bed and all I kept thinking was 'if I do this if I just take the easy way out will you be disappointed in me? Will you hate me God? I can't do it unless I know for sure you wont hate me.'  I kept asking him if I would be able to see my grandpa and sisters. If I would be happier wherever I ended up as long as it wasn't in that particular moment.

Of course I'm still here so you know I didn't do it but I wanted to. Why? I don't know. I just felt like I was breaking. I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't breathe. That's how it started. My chest got all tight and I started to panic and I felt like my heart was going to explode. I was looking at the ceiling. It felt like suddenly everything was against me and then all of a sudden I was crying. I had my facebook open an apology to someone I once cared about with a promise to never tell anyone things written. I was ready for a goodbye.

I guess my point is I'm two down without any clue how to even say something like that to my mom. Sometimes I feel like she deserves to know but then I have flashes of me in a mental hospital and I can't do it. I feel insane sometimes. It's like I'm not even in control of my own body. 

The next day I didn't feel any better all I kept thinking was I should have just done it then I wouldn't be feeling so blah today. I could have saved myself the trouble. Saturday came and everything was different. I was in the car singing while eating an ice cream music up loud with my mom coming home and it was like nothing mattered anymore. Everything I felt Thursday was gone. My mom kept saying all day that I was really hyper. I think I was just happy. Happy that I didn't take the easy way out. 

I'll never be ready for a goodbye. No matter how much I think I'll be I wont. It's too soon. I know for sure that I'm standing here because I asked for help from God and that I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it alone and I couldn't do it because I'm not that kind of person. I don't take the easy way out.

I'm writing this because even though all that happened I've never been better. I'm actually kind of happy. I feel like a big weight was off my shoulder.

I know that I won't ever do it. I'm too afraid of death for that. I do know that I was calling my own bluff and that for that brief hour I wasn't me. I don't know who I was but that doesn't matter. I'm here. I've survived the worst and managed to find the good out of it. I wont be a statistic on a graph. I refuse to be number used to show how many do end up doing it. I'm better than that.

untitled

Sometimes I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I feel so suffocated that it's hard to breathe. It's like the simplicity of simply breathing in and out is nearly impossible to do and when it does happen it's a hard painful struggle. It's impossible to control and it generally comes before or after a string of tears. I compare it to what death probably feels like. It's almost as if I'm buried alive.  Each gasp of air harder than the next. Each blink of an eye more blurry and tear stained.

It's impossible to recover from the harsh breathing and rapid heart racing that is taking over me. My head aching and spinning in different directions. I try to ask God to make it stop. I try to bargain with him for my breathing to turn back to normal. Bargaining for some air. It takes awhile before it calms but then again it always does. I'm not sure if it will ever stop or go away. I'm not sure if I can ever make it not happen. I've grown used to it. It's as if it has become a part of who I am. I hate that. I hate that it can control me but I have no say it.

I don't understand.

Why does everyone make me feel like such a horrible person for just being me? I get yelled at for things I didn't know. I get yelled at for things I didn't do.

When is enough enough?



Excuse my weak mini depressed moment where I contemplate horrible things. I'll be over it by the end of the day.

And I'm stuck miserably loving you

I think the Titanic is one of those movies that gives everyone a small hope at finding love like that. It's one of those movies that paints love right before your eyes while sprinkling dashes of tragedy within. It gives hope to the hopeless. It's one of those movies that makes you really think and want a love like that. It shows you that if you love someone you'll do anything to stay with them. I think I've always had a good reason to love that movie. I think I secretly just want a love like that. 

I may be stuck miserably loving you but I have a small hope that I'll find that Jack and never let go.

the best way, to make it through, with hearts and wrists intact, is to realize, two out of three ain't bad, ain't bad

I’ve always wanted to change the world. I’ve always wanted to get so lost in the music that nothing else matters. I wanted to write a book telling everyone that even after you go through what I’ve been through you’ll be okay. I still do. I still want to travel the world. I cant seem to find where exactly I belong and I think part of that is the fact that I want so many different things. I don’t want to just stick to one thing. I want to change the world one thing at a time. I want to fall in love. I wanna feel reckless. I want to be somebodies everything. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to live long and prosper. I wantt to live a life where I follow in gods path. I’m only 22 but I’m alway going to be a dreamer. I want to watch the sun rise and set. I want to be inspiring. I want to be inspired. 


At the end of the day I hope I have done everything I could to make the world a better place. When I grow old I want to live on a bunch of acres and have everything around me to call home. 


I hope no matter what happens in my life I'm happy. That's really all I ask.

And I do wanna love you and I do wanna try

I'm at this point in my life where I've realized that I never truly loved the one person in my life that I thought I did. I thought I was in love. I thought I had everything I needed right before my eyes but I was all wrong. In the end all I did was push someone away with my feelings. I started to feel so low. When you struggle with depression everything seems like a low point and that was most definitely it. Looking back I've realized that the depressed person in me was making me confuse things into love because I just wanted to be happy. I can't remember the last time I was truly happen inside out. Those brief months building into a year I thought I found something that was amazing so I ran with it. I was blinding myself from my own reality because for once in my life waking up wasn't so horrible. Once in my life I felt like everything was actually going my way. 

I'm not going to say that I never felt anything because I felt something or I wouldn't have cried after everything that happened and I wouldn't be almost crying now. I don't honestly think it was love. I know I said the word love and his name in the same sentence way too many times but I think I was trying to hide behind everything. I was trying to use love to make me feel okay again and I didn't see what I was doing until it was too late. I guess part of me wishes that I could go back into that denial stage where I was so caught up in the moment just so I could almost be happy again. That brief year made me almost feel like I had been found. After years of being lost I thought I'd finally gotten myself on track. I was so caught in the moment that when it was over I never realized how hard it is to have the one thing you were so stuck on gone. 

Writing this I feel like I'm just lying to myself so that even the smallest heartbreak still left in me will go away but that's not possible. I'm sitting here trying to pour my heart out and all that's ending up is me feeding myself and the world two paragraphs of bullshit. I just wrote two paragraphs all about how it wasn't love when every single part of my body knows it wasn't true. My heart can't ever let my mind win. It's a mind game I can't seem to let my mind win.n

My heart can't even let anything go. I shouldn't have even wrote this because all it's gonna do is upset me.

It's no wonder everything goes crappy. I don't remember the last time I ever had a hug or the last time my own family even said the loved me. Isn't that wrong? I can't even remember the last time anyone took any time at all to actually talk to me in my family. My own mother ignores me most of the time. I'm shutting down. I'm so closed off and I wont let anyone in because that's just who I am. I'm constantly confused. 

This entire blog is pointless but I felt like writing it.

For The Nights I Can't Remember -Hedley

I see it in the way you would do

When no one else could ever get through

Holding back till I come around

Time and time again you wait for me to come in

And did you really look my way?

'Cause no one could have seen this coming

I would never let you down

If I was running backwards in full time

So I can and I will and you'll see

Your hero come running over and over tonight

And I do wanna love you

If you see me running back, and I do wanna try

'Cause if falling for you girl is crazy

Then I'm going out of my mind

So hold back your tears this time

Me, I'm used to being tired and bloody

But you believed that I could be somebody

You put your world on hold for me

Gave away to follow failure through the fire

I need you to know I will

Believe me, girl, I'm so tired of running

I just wanna hold your hand

Stare at you like you've got everything I need

And I can, so I will and you'll see

Your hero come running over and over tonight

And I do wanna love you and I do wanna try

'Cause if falling for you girl is crazy

Then I'm going out of my mind

So hold back your tears this time

What if I never said to you I was dynamite?

What if I never told you I'm afraid to cry?

What if I never let you down and said

I'm sorry for the nights I can't remember?

What if I never said to you I would try?

And I do wanna love you

See me running back and I do wanna try

Because if falling for you girl is crazy

Then I'm going out of my mind

So hold back your tears this time, yeah

And I do wanna love you and I do wanna try

Because if falling for you girl is crazy

Then I'm going out of my mind

So hold back your tears this time, yeah

Hold back your tears this time, oh, oh

I'm learning to fall...

I thinking falling is such a beautiful thing. It's beautiful because even though you have fallen as soon as you get up everything's better. I mean it's not ALWAYS better but falling in a lot of ways could mean a bunch of different things. It's all about getting up and dusting yourself off like nothing happened. You could fall 1 time and learn nothing or you could Fall 1000 times and learn everything. It's the beauty within the fall. It's not really about falling it's about how you carry yourself after the fall. It's about how no matter what is going on you take yourself and stand on your own two feet. In a lot of ways it's about after the fall. Learning to fall could mean anything.

I think learning to fall could be a beautiful thing because it's almost like you are accepting yourself for who are.



PS: listening to music and rambling don't go hand in hand so O well.

If you love someone, set them free...

 If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.




I've realized how true this statement. They never came back. Now I don't mind it as much as I used to but knowing that they weren't coming back or hadn't so far definitely made me realize that they weren't mine to begin with. I really love this quote.

Who I Am

It's a constant battle. It's like I am fighting a dirty war. I'm in the middle of somewhere and I can't escape. Who am I? I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm broken. I'm put together. I'm the soldier fearing for life. Who am I?


I don't really know who I am. Maybe I'm a soldier lost between paths. Maybe I'm the person the soldiers fear. I'm harmless. That's exactly what I am, I'm harmless and hurt. My brain can't figure out what's going on anymore. I'm just a 22 year old girl living in screwed up world. I'm just a girl wishing she could fight for what she believes in. I'm at a constant battle with myself and the world. I'm too scared to fight back so instead I just sit down and listen to music. I let the words of my favorite band Mayday Parade fill my ears and ease my mind. I'm gutless. I've got the determination somewhere within me but I'm too spineless to use it. 


The dark unknown outside is too scary for me. It scares me more to be filled with darkness than it ever would to be in a tornado. Who am I?  Somewhere someone probably thinks I'm different. Somewhere someone probably doesn't get me. Somewhere someone is judging my big brown eyes and hair, the way I dress, and the color of my skin. Somewhere somebody thinks they are insulting me by how much I weigh or the things I do with my life but it doesn't bother me because I'd rather stand out. Who am I?


Maybe I'm the pink and blue in the rainbow on a rainy day or maybe I'm the yellow sunshine on a cloudy day. I could even be the rain or the clouds who knows. I'm probably the girl reading a book with a smile on her face wishing she was a part of another love story. I'll never know. 


 I guess that's the cool thing about being me. I'll never truly know who I am. I'll never truly know who I am because I'll never be anything but me. I'll never stop being me, the 22 year old girl whose scared of the dark and death, who'd rather be reading a book or listening to her favorite band than doing anything else. The girl living in a screwed up world without any guts or spine. No matter what I'm always going to be that girl. The girl with the brown eyes fighting a battle within herself. I'm always going to be me.